Acceptance

I think I have finished my mourning phase of realizing I won't have a little boy.  I know my husband is still bummed about not having a boy, but I think we both have come to the realization that two girls will be fun.  Plus there is always the chance to adopt later if we would like a son.  Honestly, part of me is sad I would never get to use the name we chose which is silly I suppose, but it is how I feel.  I am excited now to have another girl.  Hannah is really sweet with babies, and I hope it continues with her sister.  A name has been chosen and slowly I am trying to put a nursery together.  Right now it looks like the contents of Hannah's baby days have exploded all over the room, but I still have a few months to get it organized.  The biggest argument lately has been the amount of pink in the room.  I am not a fan of a ton of pink for a girl.  I have always thought it was more fun to use to primary or bold colors, but my husband wants this room pink.  We can't paint since we are renting so that does help some, but man it was almost World War III to choose the colors for her letters. I wanted something a bit different, and he wanted pink.  Just pink.  I compromised a bit and agreed to two shades of pink since Hannah's letters are two shades of purple.  Luckily he is letting me use the accent color of green to go with the pink so I don't feel like I am walking into Pepto Bismol.  It is crazy how wrapped up in our disagreement we can get, and it doesn't really matter what the room looks like.   I just wish I were a crafty person so I could make some fun decorations myself.

Guilty

I am just going to say it, and hope people don't think less of me.  Right now, I really dislike being a parent.  Some days I downright hate it.  Between becoming more pregnant every day, and Hannah deep in the terrible twos, I feel so unhappy.  I feel like I have completely lost control of my child, and I have no clue how to correct the situation.  I have tried different types of discipline, but nothing seems to be working.  On top of that, Hannah is still having bed time issues.  Luckily now she is only crying for a minute or two before she goes to bed, but if she wakes up during the night it is a process to get her back to sleep.  I spent two hours last night explaining to her why she couldn't sleep in my bed or in my room, and trying to figure out why she hated her room so much.  I would leave, and she would scream for 10 minutes.  I would go in to check on her.  Repeat for 2 hours.  Finally she fell asleep, and I felt so damn guilty that I made her cry herself to sleep but I am out of ideas.  I have tried letting her sleep on her Elmo couch downstairs, but it never works.  She wants to play, eat, or watch tv if she is downstairs.  The husband has asked that she not sleep in our bed, and I agree.  I can't have her sleep on the floor of our room during the week because I want my husband to get all the sleep he can so he doesn't crash his plane due to sleep deprivation.

I know we are both cooped up because of the heat.  I tried taking her to the playground today, and the heat index was already close to 100 at 9:30.  I could only handle about 20 minutes.  I am trying to find new, fun indoor activities for her to try.  Anybody have any good ideas?

Is it November yet?

Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks, but I feel so much bigger than that!  It is getting harder to keep up with Hannah.  I feel like a bad mom some days because trying to take her outside to play is exhausting.  It is so hot and humid here that I can only last a few minutes.  I am running out of fun indoor games to play.  I hear it does cool down in October so I am hoping the last month of the pregnancy I can get outside with her more.

We went to San Antonio this past weekend to visit Sea World and see the town.  Hannah loved Sea World.  I didn't think it was as big as the one in Orlando, but the splash park was all she really cared about.  She got to meet Elmo and Abby which she thought was fun even though she doesn't watch Sesame Street anymore.  It was dang hot, but I survived.  We did visit the Riverwalk, and drove around the Alamo.  We know we will probably go back before leaving Texas so we will visit more stuff next time.  I hope to make it to Austin some day before we leave.  I have heard about all this great stuff to see and eat there.  I would love to visit.

Vacation hangover?

I think the trip back to KC caused some trauma to poor Hannah.  She really wants to know where her dad is at all times, she always wants to know when we will be back in her home, and worst of all she will no longer fall asleep in her room by herself.  I shared a bed with her the entire trip, and I was so afraid that it would backfire on me. The rooms we stayed in weren't really toddler proof so I was afraid to leave her alone like I can in her room.  I would lay down with her until she fell asleep and then sneak out until I was ready for bed.  Now at home if she doesn't fall asleep in the car or on our evening walk, she will scream like is being murdered.  Tonight she even broke out with, "Get me out of here!"  She either wants one of us to lay down with her in her bed or lay in our bed until she is asleep. Neither is ideal, and I have no clue how to handle this.  We as parents don't mind her crying it out for a bit, but this is beyond crying.  This is hysterics.  I can't stand to listen to it because it breaks my heart, but at the same time I don't want her to think that she can always fall asleep in my bed.  We may try a new nightlight as a way to convince her that her room is safe.  On the bright side, she is basically potty trained now.  She still needs a diaper at night which I am okay with for now.  During the day she is kicking ass, and let's face it, that is when she used most of the diapers anyway.  I am so glad to have a few months off from diapers before I start all over again.

Baby Fever

I am already pregnant so I am not sure why I have the fever.  I was wandering around Wal Mart the other day trying to find lotion and I saw the aisle for pregnancy tests.  A part of me became very sad that I would never pee with anticipation on a tiny stick waiting for two lines to appear.  I am 99% sure this is the last child, and I guess I haven't truly accepted that fact yet.  Deep down I know two is probably enough for us financially, and I would like to go back to school eventually.  However, I am sad knowing I won't do this again.  No peeing on sticks, no waiting to feel the baby move, nothing.  I am doing my best to appreciate every kick and roll I feel right now.  In a few years we may adopt, but two seems like enough.  Of course right now I am in the middle of the worst case of terrible twos and potty training.  That does skew my opinion about a third child a bit.

My kid made me cry

Unfortunately it was out of frustration and not out of joy.  I took her with me to run errands so the husband could get some work done for his flight tonight.  This is our first full day home so I know she is still adjusting. She didn't get the best night of sleep because she kept waking up screaming.  I am sure she was confused because I know I was confused when I woke up.  I couldn't remember whose house I was in.  The first few stops went great, and then I took her to the dreaded Wal Mart to get groceries.  It was insane.  I tried to bribe her to sit in the cart with the iPad.  That worked for about 5 minutes before she was doing all she could to climb out.  So I let her walk and put the grocery items in the cart for me.  That worked for about 2 minutes because then she started wandering off.  Eventually it turned into a game of chase all over the grocery section.  I ended up leaving with only half my items and tears in my eyes.  I was so frustrated with her even though I know her acting out is a result of our trip.  She has been pretty nasty the last few hours, but thankfully she is napping.  I have no clue how to handle this age of 2.  I hope I figure it out soon.

Almost home

24 hours from now I should be back in my house.  I can't wait!  Hannah has become impossible and keeps asking to go home.  She told me she wants to cook in her own kitchen.  So do I.  I don't have too many ways to entertain her where we are staying so she is unfortunately watching a lot of tv.  When we get home that will change. She will have her toys and friends again. I predict many hours outside playing and running around.  As much as I hate Kingsville, my husband and dogs are there and I miss them like crazy.  I also miss my own bed and shower.  I have never been away from home this long.  I have been gone 10 days, but that was as a family.  Considering it is usually my husband leaving and I am the one home, this has been an odd experience.  I think I prefer to be the one that stays home.  I have had a great time seeing people, but I know I will not do this again.  At least while I am pregnant.