Monday, July 18, 2011
7 years ago today I lost my mom. It is hard to believe it has been so long. Life feels normal without her here, but it still feels like yesterday that I said goodbye. I am sad that she will never know Hannah, and Hannah won't get to know her. She loved her grandchildren, and I wish she had the opportunity to love this one as well.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I think at the age of 31, I have finally decided what I would like to do with the rest of my life career wise. I have my degree, but I could never pinpoint what I wanted to do in the field. Of course I figure it out at the worst time. To complete the degree I will need probably 2-3 years. It may be a few years before I am living in a place long enough to complete it. There is also no guarantee that the place I live will have a college with the degree. There is one here, but I am afraid to start it if I don't know if I can finish it. I guess I could start and just stay here to finish it if I have not completed it before E finishes his training. There is also Hannah. I am the primary care giver right now. The degree requires clinicals. I would have to find someone to watch her at possibly odd hours. I am torn. I do think it would be something I would enjoy, and the career is in such demand right now that I am pretty sure I could find a job wherever I end up living over the next 20 years. However I chose to stay home right now so I wouldn't miss Hannah growing up. Decisions decisions...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I have been in Florida for about 3 weeks now. It still doesn't feel like home. I am learning my way around which does help. I feel less like a tourist not needing the GPS so much. I have met a few people as well. They are very lovely women. However, I realized that I am old. I am older than most of the other spouses here. The ones who are close to my age don't have children yet. I do feel like an outsider. I am the old one with a kid. At least that is how I feel. I want to get to know people and have a social life, but it is a bit more difficult when I am the only one with a child. I know that it really doesn't make a difference, and it is all in my head. I am sure in time I will make some friends and get out of the house once in a while. It also doesn't help that I can be so reserved and quiet when I first meet people. I think sometimes that does hinder friendships when I can't learn to relax. I am working on it. I stepped outside my comfort zone today and went to a meeting. I had Hannah with me so I didn't get to interact much. I had to make sure she wasn't tearing the room apart. It is hard to carry on a conversation when you are chasing a child everywhere.