Monday, May 20, 2013
I have been battling with what I believe to be postpartum anxiety (which I never knew existed until I was reading about postpartum depression.) I was never really anxious about odd stuff like I am now. Social situations scare the crap out of me. Driving over a bridge? Scares me as well. Ants eating my kids while they are asleep? You better believe it keeps me awake at night. I had issues with this starting after Hannah was born, but now it seems much worse than before Meeghan was born. We had ants coming out of an electrical outlet in our master bedroom last night and I freaked out. The husband killed them all, and he made me look at it. I cried. I started full on crying and I had to run out of the room. I couldn't sleep in the room. I slept on the couch. I made Meeghan sleep in the pack and play in the living room because I didn't want them to come out of the wall in the closet. (She sleeps in our master bedroom closet. It is a big closet!) Today I bought all the ant poison I could find to kill the little bastards before they come in my house again. I am lucky enough to be invited to a Wednesday Wine group every week. Although I always want to go out with other adults, when Wednesday arrives I start to feel sick at the thought of leaving the house to socialize. I am afraid to leave my kids. I am afraid to go into a social group and try to act normal. I am not a fancy person so I am never dressed up like the other which makes me feel insecure. I feel like everything I say is dumb. I feel like they don't like me. I used to be confident. I used to not care if someone liked me. Now it feels like I don't even know myself anymore. My husband wants me to get a job when we move to Jacksonville, and the thought of leaving Meeghan at a day care frightens me. I can't even imagine letting someone take care of her for that long every day. With Hannah it is easier since she is older and can communicate with me about her day. I should probably stop reading about horrible day care centers. Basically, I don't really recognize myself any more. I am sure I could benefit from some therapy, but at the moment it isn't affordable and we are moving in 8 weeks. I keep telling myself that a change of scenery will be good for me. I haven't really enjoyed South Texas. I hope a new location will help tremendously.