Bringing home the bacon

A disagreement has started between my husband that is probably a pretty common one. My husband wants me to get a job after we move. We will be paying on his student loans soon so the extra income would be nice. I am not ready to put both kids in day care all day. I like having the freedom to schedule appointments whenever, take spontaneous trips to an aquarium or a zoo, or even head out of town if the situation allows. My husband doesn't work normal hours. Some days he is gone all day. Some he is finished by 8am, and others he doesn't even go into work until 4pm.  It is harder to get time off.  I like that if he does get a day off we can do something as a family and we don't have to wait for the weekend. Heck, weekends are still working days for the Navy. Plus there is the deployment factor.  He will deploy within the next year. I will be on my own. I am afraid if I am working plus taking care of the kids and house that I will be burnt out. I know many spouses do it, but I am not sure I want to be one of them. I guess I am afraid of missing out or cheating my kids of fun. My mom worked part time during school hours so she was available when I was home. I loved that. However, my parents were more financially stable than we are. It is such a tough decision. I have looked at jobs that are available in Jacksonville. The ones that I like either require travel or are second shift. I will admit there are days where it seems easier to work so someone else can deal with Hannah's attitude all day, but I am pretty sure I would miss her.  I am pretty sure I know what I need to do, but I am not ready to admit it to myself. Chances are good I will get a job to help with the bills, but my heart doesn't like it.  I will miss these faces.

I am pretty sure I suck

With the husband back to work, I have been home alone all day.  Last time I was in this situation I only had one kid.  Now that I have two, I feel like a freaking basket case every day.  Between household chores, feeding Meeghan, pumping for Meeghan, and then my very difficult toddler I feel like the day is just nuts.  I have done a terrible job of balancing everything.  Some days I think it would be better for my sanity to find a job and put the kids in day care.  I am not sure I am meant to be a stay at home mom. It is at the point that some days I don't even want to be around Hannah.  I feel horrible for even writing that.  The days feel so long.  I am usually at my breaking point before lunch.  I wonder how other women do it and make it look so easy.  I know other women out there would give their left arm to be in my position which is why I feel like a spoiled brat for even talking about this.  I lost my patience so quickly that I end up saying things I don't mean.  Yesterday I tried to forget about all the housework I needed to do, and played with Hannah all morning. It made the day better, but by lunch she is in prime form.  Then I get a guilt trip when the husband is home because I am behind on laundry or haven't unpacked boxes.  It feels like I can't win no matter what I do. The lack of sleep due to pumping during the night isn't helping.  Meeghan sleeps through the night, but to keep my supply I am pumping every 3 hours even during the night.  I am at the point though where I want my life back and want to quit.  I am hoping I can hold out another 3 months to make my 6 month goal.

That leads me to my kids.  I can't believe that in 4 days my baby will be 3 months old. I have said it every month, but I can't believe how fast the time is going.  She is starting to talk to me and interact with us more.  She is even trying to play.  I am still waiting for those first baby giggles, but it seems like she is getting close.  Hannah is becoming difficult. I am not sure if it is the age or if this is her personality, but she is becoming defiant, stubborn, and bossy.  I know some is due to boredom. I am one person trying to be available to 5 people (if you include the husband and the dogs who are just as needy as the kids.  The dogs that is not the husband.)  Hannah has been asking to go to school so I have been researching preschools and mother's day out programs around here. I found one that seems promising.  I am going to check it out on Monday.  The biggest problem is money.  The budget is so tight already, but I will find a way to make it work because I think she needs it.  I just hope she is over that separation anxiety issue she had a few months ago. I have told her I can't stay with her at school and she said she understands. I know she wants to go so bad.  She stands at the window telling the school bus not to leave without her. That broke my heart so I will definitely find a way to get her into some sort of program.  I was going to do a little homeschooling session with her, but I think we would both benefit from a few hours apart during the week.  I am hoping between her time at school, and more sleep in my future, we will get back to the fun we used to have.

Lastly, I will leave you with a picture of the view of the bay from the guest room/office.  I had to steal it from the husband's phone since I haven't had a chance to take pictures yet.  I need to get one of the sunrise, but I usually try to sneak back to bed at that hour.

One Year

March 5th, 2011, was my first day as a stay at home mom.  The husband was about to leave for OCS, and so we decided it would be easier for me to quit my job and stay home instead of finding day care for 3 months.  I would have to say this has been the hardest job I have ever had.  Dealing with a toddler has taught me to dig deep to find patience I wasn't sure existed.  There are days I want to scream and go running from the house.  Luckily, the good days outweigh the bad.  I am trying to become more creative with our days.  I think we both get pretty bored.  I still struggle with that part of staying home.  Some days I have no clue how to fill the hours, and that is when we end up butting head.  She may drive me crazy, but I am so glad I have this last year with her to watch her grow. I didn't realize how much I missed when I was at work all day.  Besides I can't stay mad at this face for too long.

She really needs a haircut!