I am still here! (Kind of)

I had to abandon my tiny corner of the internet thanks to school and life. I feel like school has taken over every aspect of my life, and I have to squeeze everything in the little spare time I have. I have done a crappy job of balancing everything. I don't study as much as I should because I get tired of it. The girls take the rest of my energy. I have been having problems with Hannah lately, and it is to the point I am considering professional help. She has been physical and full of attitude. She tells me she is mad at me all the time. She wants to know when I am finished with homework so she can spend time with me again. I feel guilty. E is still deployed although we do have light at the end of the tunnel. I have come very close to quitting school. I have no passion for it. I did fine last semester, but I really should have studied more. I am great last minute studier, but I didn't really retain the knowledge. I should be studying now, but I can't even force myself to open a text book. I know if I go to E and say I want to quit, he will be angry. I would be quitting something once again. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to worry about school. I could actually do stuff with the girls. I could go to things at their schools. This program is hard. It is very challenging, and I know I am not putting into what it is required. I also have no clue if I even want to work when I am finished. I know I complained about staying home, but I really would be sad if I couldn't attend the special lunches and programs at school. I always had my mom attend the special things at school. I want my daughters to have the same experience especially since they are missing out on having their dad around all the time. I know part of it, too, is just fatigue. This deployment has felt like an eternity. I am so ready for it to be over. E wants to go on a family vacation when he comes home, but oh wait school won't allow it for me. I guess he can go with the girls.

There have been a lot of positives the last few months. Hannah has been chosen to be tested for a gifted child program. She went through a period where she wanted to be homeschooled because she was bored. She was crying and begging me not to send her to school, but things are better now. I told her first grade would be better because they would have more options and programs to challenge her. Meeghan is slowly coming out of her shell. She is starting to talk to her teachers which is progress. She has changed so much since E left. I have redecorated (or really decorated) the house. My mother-in-law painted the office, my bedroom, and the guest room for me. I bought a new bed. The girls wan to change their room so I am using that as incentive for them to sleep in their room since they were sleeping on an air mattress in my room. Running was bad in December thanks to some horrible cold virus that stuck around for 3 weeks. However, this month has been great. I have run two halves, and both of those times were much faster than previous races. I have started using intervals while running longer distances. It was the only way I could even run a mile in December so I had no choice when I had a half on January 3rd. There is no way I would have been able to run the entire race. I run for 4 minutes and walk for 30 seconds. It is just enough of  walk break that I am running miles at the end of a race faster than I ever have. I have a marathon in 2 weeks that I am not completely prepared for. I have only made it to 18 miles. Both attempts at 20 fell short thanks to stupid reasons. I can switch to the half if I need to, but I think I am going to go for the full. It may be the stupidest thing I have done, but at least I will try. I also volunteered for the first time at the Disney World Marathon. I was handing out powerade just before mile 23. The faces and sounds people make at that point are pretty funny. Also, it was pretty amazing to see the behind the scenes stuff for a race. My shift started at 4:30am and we packed up around 1pm. It was a long day, but a good one.

That is all I have for now. I hope it won't be another 3 months before I visit here again. If it is, just assume I am buried in textbooks and powerpoints!