7 years

7 years ago today I lost my mom.  It is hard to believe it has been so long.  Life feels normal without her here, but it still feels like yesterday that I said goodbye.  I am sad that she will never know Hannah, and Hannah won't get to know her.  She loved her grandchildren, and I wish she had the opportunity to love this one as well. 

School

I think at the age of 31, I have finally decided what I would like to do with the rest of my life career wise.  I have my degree, but I could never pinpoint what I wanted to do in the field.  Of course I figure it out at the worst time.  To complete the degree I will need probably 2-3 years.  It may be a few years before I am living in a place long enough to complete it.  There is also no guarantee that the place I live will have a college with the degree.   There is one here, but I am afraid to start it if I don't know if I can finish it.  I guess I could start and just stay here to finish it if I have not completed it before E finishes his training.  There is also Hannah.  I am the primary care giver right now.  The degree requires clinicals.  I would have to find someone to watch her at possibly odd hours.  I am torn.  I do think it would be something I would enjoy, and the career is in such demand right now that I am pretty sure I could find a job wherever I end up living over the next 20 years.  However I chose to stay home right now so I wouldn't miss Hannah growing up.  Decisions decisions...

Age is Just a Number

I have been in Florida for about 3 weeks now.  It still doesn't feel like home.  I am learning my way around which does help.  I feel less like a tourist not needing the GPS so much.  I have met a few people as well.  They are very lovely women.  However, I realized that I am old.  I am older than most of the other spouses here.  The ones who are close to my age don't have children yet.  I do feel like an outsider.  I am the old one with a kid.  At least that is how I feel.  I want to get to know people and have a social life, but it is a bit more difficult when I am the only one with a child.  I know that it really doesn't make a difference, and it is all in my head.  I am sure in time I will make some friends and get out of the house once in a while.  It also doesn't help that I can be so reserved and quiet when I first meet people.  I think sometimes that does hinder friendships when I can't learn to relax.  I am working on it.  I stepped outside my comfort zone today and went to a meeting.  I had Hannah with me so I didn't get to interact much.  I had to make sure she wasn't tearing the room apart.  It is hard to carry on a conversation when you are chasing a child everywhere.